There are two kinds of people in the world. People who love weddings (me) and people who are the worst and hate love and America and kick puppies.
Weddings are the best. Booze, food, two people in love, dancing, photo booths, cake. Literally what could be better? I also love giving wedding speeches for some insane reason because I hate getting up in front of people and talking. So, I’m a confusing person. A few months ago, my best friend from college got married in New Orleans, the city where we went to school, and I basically forced her to let me speak at her wedding. I brought it up in every conversation we had and finally, she relented. Here is the speech from my memory, which admittedly was slightly impaired during the reception, and a few tips to make your wedding speech not suck so much (looking at you, most of the groomsmen out there):
Alex and I met like most people do when they first go to college. We were living in the same former dorm on the 6th and it was either the first or second night of dinner that we we were eating with other girls from the floor. We’re all walking out this when Alex runs up to us and says, “YOU GUYS! I think I lost my retainer. My mom’s gonna kill me.” Leave it to Alex to say, like, the least cool thing you could say to a bunch of girls you’re trying to getting to know. I turned around to say “Sure, we’ll help” and by the time I turned back around, all the rest of the girls had fled back to the dorm.
I didn’t want to help but I had already said yes so I went ahead back to the cafeteria. We figured out that she had indeed left her retainer on her dinner tray, wrapped in a napkin. We asked the ladies that worked in the cafeteria if we could go in the back and try to find it. They laughed, said OK and gave us two pairs of rubber gloves, and we started digging through two huge, commercial trash cans to find her retainer. We dug through the most disgusting stuff – cokes, left over spaghetti. (Always start with a funny story to warm up the crowd. Not crude or awkward. The story should be unique to the bride, but relatable to everyone. That means no weird inside jokes. Something slightly embarrassing or silly is fine, unless your friend is a huge downer, in which case – why are you friends with that freak?!? Don’t be worried if people aren’t laughing out loud. It’s a wedding, not a comedy club.)
Finally, Alex found her retainer at the bottom of one of the garbage cans and I thought that I would never hang out with her again. Instead, we became being best friends and that meant, of course, like most girls do, we spent lots of time talking about who we would marry. (Transition into a story here that talks about how your friend and her husband met or about when she told you they were going to get married. It’s sweet and it keeps you from talking too much about the past, especially old boyfriends.)
We decided early on that I would married the boy version of Alex and Alex would marry the boy version of me. So I knew that whoever she was going to marry would have to be smart and funny and kind and thoughtful and obviously good looking and, like many of you guys in the room know, if he was gonna be all of those things he was going to be from Texas. (This is crowd reaction time. I know Alex’s husband’s family was from Texas and that they would be all over this, which they were – whooping and hollering at any mention of our Great State so this was a home run.)
So when Alex called me and said she met a professional fisherman from Buda, Texas, I knew she had found the one. And I was right. I’m so happy for you guys and I wanted to take a moment to have everyone here in the room give Alex a proper Texas welcome so if I can get a little “Howdy,” a little “Yee haw” and let’s raise our glasses the bride and groom. Love you guys. (Short and sweet ending. No one wants to listen to you ramble on about stuff, especially since I’m single so what the hell kind of advice am I going to give some married people?)
**The pictures are from Scott Myers Photography. If you want to get married in New Orleans, he is stupid awesome and you should check out his website here.**