Redneck Riviera 2k11: We Didn’t Kill Each Other!

This is the obligatory post about my family vacation this year. 32 people. One house (ok, this year there was two houses…what, what!) 7 days. 50,000 pounds of Goldfish. Lots of fun.

It’s so hard to boil down 7 days of family time into one post, mostly because my family is so awesome and hilarious that all the laughs run together into one big ab-buster of a week. Lots of families can’t even get through one holiday, one singular day together, but we rock out a whole week like it’s nothing. Don’t be jealous!

As on any vacation, there are some classic moments that make me LOL even a few weeks later and here they are:

1. We had an arch nemesis family. Our house sits right on the beach so we set up a volleyball net so the kiddos and adults could play all week. Let me set this up for you again. My family. Bought a net. For our own use. On a private beach. So a couple days into the trip a group of rednecks comes over and starts playing on the net without asking or acknowledging our presence. Um. RUDE!

In typical family fashion, before any action is taken, we talked mad shit about them for about 30 minutes. Then decided to slowly pass by their game to give them a chance to apologize. No dice. So we took matters into our own hands. It went sort of like this:

Aunt L: Hey.
Redneck Dad: Yeah?
Aunt L: Our family will probably want to come down at some point and play a game.
Redneck Dad: Well, I guess we’ll leave when they come down.
Aunt L: Umm…you do know this is our net that we set up.
Redneck Dad: Yep.
Cousin E: YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST ASKED.
Rednecks: <Laughing>

Worst family ever. So, when their kids came over to play later, I let them mark off a new court and then I kicked them off about one second later. Then immediately proceed to punt the volleyball into the net, therefore knocking it down and making myself look stupid and not tough, but whatever. We spent the rest of the week staring them down and making up nicknames for them (we settled on The Pirates.)

Nothing brings a family together quite like hating on another family.


2. I found my future husband. My sweet cousins are very concerned about my current state of singledom. As little Cousin B puts it: “You really do seem like the perfect age to have a boyfriend.” Thanks, kids! Lots of great stuff you’re learning there on Disney.

So, B decides she’s going to make some stuff happen and I like her moxie. She makes a list of qualities I would like to have in my “most perfect boyfriend.” She asks the tough questions like:
“Should he be sweet or kind?”
“What should his favorite color be?”
“What would you like to have in common with your most perfect boyfriend?”
“What kind of job do you want him to have: worker job or doctor?”

After I made it through the intense questioning, B’s eye lit up and she said “I HAVE. THE. PERFECT. BOYFRIEND. FOR YOU!!!” Dramatic pause. “It’s UNCLE J!!!”

Uncle J is smart and kind and tall and all of the things on the paper, but he also happens to be MY DAD so probably not going to work out. Don’t stop trying though, B.


3. My Papa is super competitive at volleyball. I mean, he plays softball on like a real team that plays real games at real tournaments and he’s like 75 so obviously he likes to compete and play sports. But, when your 8-year-old cousin misses the ball in a game and his reaction is “Guess we found their weak spot” then you know your family is super competitive. Trash talking an elementary school student is totally ridiculous and she’s probably scarred for life, but also hilarious (especially after a few glasses of white wine!)

Those are the moments that come immediately to my mind. The funny ones anyway. There’s always the great moments you steal on the porch with your Papa listening to him tell a great story. Or standing with your family in the rain listening to the opening of the Kings of Leon concert. Or when your little cousin tells you you’re the best babysitter ever. Or cooking dinner side by side with your mom. But, who wants to hear about that sappy stuff?

I reserve the right to come back and tell you more stories about the trip if I remember them (or get gently reminded by a loving family member) but for now I’ll leave you with a picture that, once again, reminds you that my family rocks and yours is probably super boring and lame. Sorry for partying with my family.