A few weeks ago my friend got a new car and decided that she wanted to start keeping track of her mileage so she could save money on gas. Being the susceptible person and copycat that I am, I decided to do it, too.
After I figured out how to use my dashboard computer thingy, I found out that I was getting like 2.5 miles per gallon. Not surprising considering I am a psychopath behind the wheel. I don’t know what it is, but when I get in the driver’s seat, I totally Hulk out. Which means I’m slamming on the breaks, speeding off immediately at green lights and generally hating everyone who is in my way.
So, I majorly changed my habits. Kept an eye on my acceleration. Went about 5 over the speed limit and my MPG improved like magic and I felt like a rich person every time I turned my car on.
I also found out some important things about life (are you taking notes?) PEOPLE ARE DICKS. When I’m driving the speed limit or a little over, people are freaking Mario Andretti trying to speed right up behind me and then speed around me. Guess what? Unless you’re having a baby literally or you are on fire, there is no reason to do that at all. And, let’s be honest. If you’re on fire, you should pull over to a safe location, stop/drop/roll and have a trusted friend or passerby call 911.
But even though they were doing their crazy racetrack moves, I couldn’t care less.
**Side note: One of my major pet peeves is when people say “I could care less.” Well, if you COULD care less, then you are caring about it. If you COULD NOT care less, then you are not caring at all and are unaffected by the current situation**
Anywhoozles. Usually, when people weren’t driving to my satisfaction, I would do one of two things:
1. If they are right on my butt, I would typically slow way down and watch them get pissed in my rearview mirror and then speed off (seriously, that is like something a serial killer would do…am I crazy?!?)
2. Just scream at them – with all my windows up so they can’t hear me obviously. Something really thought out like “IF YOU DO NOT GET OFF MY BUTT, I WILL SERIOUSLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND CUT YOU.”
I mean, road rage to the maximum. But, since I decided to just slow down and focus on driving smart, I am like totally Zen’d out about driving. Typically, I would be so pissed when I got somewhere because someone did something assholey. Like stop for an old lady crossing the street (THIS IS NOT A CROSSWALK, MA’AM) or go too slow (I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE, LAME-O) or going to fast (WHAT IS THIS?!? THE INDY 500 YOU IDIOT!!!)
But now I’m all like. Hey, you seem like you are stressed and have some reason to go ridiculously fast. I feel sorry for you, but I’m just going to enjoy my leisurely drive around town.
Really, this whole long deal was to say that it’s cool to slow down. We don’t need to get places so fast all the time. Just listen to some music or a book on tape and chill the hell out, dudes and dudettes. Your blood pressure and your passengers will thank me.
But, if I catch you looking at me funny for going slow, I WILL HURT YOU.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hahaha, "dashboard computer thingy." One time I called the odometer the "thermometer thing" and to make fun of me my friend goes, "what's that for? To see how hot your driving?" But glad to hear you're more chillaxed behind the wheel. Here in Boston, people have road rage like I have never seen, and for the dumbest things. Why get your heart rate up for no reason? I find it really unattractive, honestly.
Personally, I was happy that you used that phrase ("couldn't care less") correctly. I share that pet peeve.
And as long as you're doing the speed limit, I won't give you funny looks, either. It's all win today!
I am a friend and colleague of your Aunt L's (and a fellow Julie Andrews-o-phile), and I think you are one of the funniest people I have ever read! Your family is a riot and I envy your closeness. I hope Aunt L will invite me over to meet you sometime when you are at her house…I KNOW I won't be disappointed by the "real you."
My husband is a total spazz when he's driving. He yells at everyone. It's hilarious but when I laugh at him he doesn't think it's funny. He could do with a chill pill for his driving adventures.